At 4 months, Aspen had her g-tube placed for failure to thrive with unknown cause.
At 20 months we had a clearer understanding of why.
Prior to turning 3, we received a definitive diagnosis. Removing any remaining doubt, and any remaining hope, I had kept pocketed away in a very small corner of my heart.
However, with this confirmation, we were able to make the decision to remove her tube.
A decision not taken lightly.
A decision on something we were once told we could be a decade away from making.
A decision in the haze of that first year that I never thought possible.
And damn if it doesn’t feel good.
I can never fully articulate the indescribable pain I felt as her mom being unable to do what was always so natural before… getting my babies to grow.
This small button in her belly was so significant of so many big things that I couldn’t make happen. Couldn’t control. Couldn’t protect. Couldn’t provide.
This button a visual reminder of how fucking awful that first year and a half truly was.
And now we’re here.
I wish I could tell my dad.
To know that this chapter is (hopefully) forever closed feels a bit surreal, honestly. The impact that tube had on my head, my heart, I don’t think I’ll ever forget.
But now I get to kiss the scar that appears over and over and over again with tears of gratitude knowing she’ll never remember.
-B xo
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