“Relationships are hard.”
I had an ex boyfriend tell me this right before he became my ex.
His way of justifying his reasoning for breaking up with me.
His belief that validated why we should no longer be together.
I wanted to punch him in the face.
My friends and I use to laugh and be stupid and use this line with each other in the years that followed.
Your kid give you attitude? Relationships are hard, mama.
Your dog shit in the house? Relationships are hard, am I right?
Maybe the funniest part is that this douchey and simplistic viewpoint has stayed with me ever since.
Relationships are hard for every reason.
Not only to conceptualize how difficult it is to stay in one.
But also a symbol of how heart breaking it is when we lose one.
My dad died recently.
Creating a unique depth of sadness that feels very different from other losses.
Since he passed, I’ve gone into a space of hating everything, hating everyone. With literally zero reason to feel this way. The rage and anger I feel inappropriate and yet often part of the grief process. For me, at least.
So I withdraw, isolate, shut down… The irony of course is that I’m hating on and turning away from the one thing I need the most. My relationships.
Relationships suddenly become even harder to me during times when I’m darkest.
Self-protection, self-defense? Likely.
Fear? Hating feeling vulnerable? Worried about even further pain? Sure… prolly some of that, too.
After a loss or even during the process of one, my world suddenly becomes so much smaller. Like I subconsciously fold into myself to prevent engaging in the relationships that actually would serve me, that would help.
My parents divorced when I was very young.
I divorced when my 2 oldest were very young as well.
Since the end of that first marriage, I lost the idea of how I thought my life was going to go.
The shame, the guilt, the canyon-sized feelings of failure unlike anything before it.
The connection my dad offered during that time…
The lack of judgment, the openness.
The ability to fully listen.
The sadness he shared knowing its impact moving forward…
And maybe most of all?
The empathy he provided in recognizing the true loss of how you thought your life was going to go.
A special loss on its own, one that often causes you to question everything as it shakes your core.
Ahh yes, that foolish belief that we have full control. Both in our in our relationships, and in our lives.
As you know from my experiences with Aspen, my inability to “control” her growth that first year caused a profound shredding of my mental state.
Literally tore my mind apart.
The unknown, the uncertainty of it all… the complete lack of understanding as to why something I once thought, such a given, I couldn’t make happen.
I knew my dad’s death was coming. Project managing his care in hospice for several months now. Mentally and emotionally in training ever since his Stage 4 cancer diagnosis nearly 2 years ago.
Hardening myself month after month as things themselves got harder and harder.
The loss of the reality of not watching Aspen grow hit him deeply.
The worry he shared with me upon learning of her rare genetic syndrome.
The sadness he felt in being unable to provide support and protection moving forward…
He wanted more.
I wanted more.
I carried so much weight with his caregiving these final months. So much worry, so much sadness...
guilt at feeling I was never doing enough, fear of what I was set to lose.
What do you do with the space that remains?
The one filled now with the load of grief?
I write this as 2024 is about to hit.
Where our mindset is often built off moving forward, looking forward. Something we do daily often without thought for what is right now.
I don’t know. I feel very much stuck in right now.
Having a difficult time doing anything beyond today.
Wanting to feel excited about what’s next… wanting to feel more than sad.
I’ve often heard that without the loss of a relationship, you aren’t able to fully appreciate the depth of the love you shared.
So I’ll hold onto my lucky Penny a little tighter.
And I’ll cry a lot and sigh even more more, thinking, damnit...
That douchey ex was right all along.
-B xo
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